Once, I saw that I was a speck of light in the great river
of light that undulates through time. I was floating with the whole human
family. For a few moments I floated, completely calm and not hating having to
exist.
Like a crow who smells hot blood, you came flying to pull me
out of the glowing stream. Turned me into someone who couldn’t take the trouble
to speak. Someone who couldn’t sleep, or who did nothing but sleep, couldn’t
read or call for an appointment for help. You taught me to exist without
gratitude. You ruined my manners toward God. Living among blocks and cotton
undershirts with snaps. I was already yours, the anti-urge, mutilator of souls.
Was there anything I could do against your coming!
Some people can wake every morning, open their eyes and
immediately recognize something beautiful, even if it’s just the sun slobbering
across the bedroom floor. Why couldn’t I?
Whenever I woke, with you I still was. You clinged on, you
violent shrew. You were my home, but I knew too well, that even a home could
house monsters. Waking at four to soundless dark, I stared. In time the
curtain-edges would grow light. Till then, I saw what was really always there:
unresting death, a whole day nearing, making all thought impossible but how,
where and when I shall myself die. Arid interrogation: yet the dread of dying
and being dead, flashed afresh to hold and horrify.
Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain. Saying I’m fine when I’m
anything but. Living in a fantasy to bury the reality. Making myself the
mystery, a strong façade disguising the misery. Empty, but beyond the point of
emptiness. Full to the brim with fake confidence. I was lost, needing not to be
saved but to be found. I would wait for someone, anyone, to see that I wore a
mask and care enough to remove it. Was that too much to ask?
The calm on my face an ongoing sin. No one would’ve known
it, the constant pain I felt, because in the light of day it almost wasn’t
real. I had built up a wall for the world to stay out. A guard that would never
be broken because I broke a long time ago. Sure, I’d play and laugh, but the
pain was always lurking. I was hurting but didn’t tell anyone. No one needed to
know. Loneliness consumed me, eating away the years, until my life was
swallowed by unending fears. When darkness came with its all-consuming power,
it slowly took my soul hour by dreadful hour.
I was a happy soul, proud even, I was cheered on by the
crowd. Then you came along, sang me a song, twisted my heart and made me your
art. You told me I was worthless, that my family couldn’t care less. You pulled
me away from all the people who cared to stay a while around me, to release me
from you.
All my days grew dark, stormy, cold and gray. Emptiness grew
as I slowly faded away. I had no effort left to put into this life. No helping
hand behind me to pull me to the light. Feeling like no one was there during
all my pain. I had nothing left to lose and nothing left to gain.
Standing on that bridge in silence and fear, the demons of
darkness having driven me there. I was about to end that fight. “And if you
can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little
closer, stare a little longer because there’s something inside you that made
you keep trying.” Came the words of a stranger. I stopped and thought, maybe
I’ll fight them one more night. These destructive demons. Knocking down the
life I knew. Hating everything about myself. Making me hate myself too.
I may not know how to live my life, but at least today I
want to…
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